Keep the previous Stoic background in mind for the following.
I mentioned previously that I was given a poor model for parenting. Tori had the same issue. We also hadn’t found a community to give us any feedback:
- I had consumed many, many articles on parenting, but most free internet content fails to give clear guidance on how to discipline children, with conflicting messages on what to do.
- Tori and I were deathly afraid of the government, largely from the specific anecdotes where a child gets abducted from their biological parents by the State on a rumor.
- In some US states, such as where we lived in California, we felt unsafe to even talk with our mandatory reporter friends (e.g., nurses, schoolteachers, police, etc.).
These conditions meant I couldn’t have known a few critical details on how to raise children. One class of Love and Logic or a derivative would have been sufficient.
In May 2021, in the course of discipline, I hurt my daughter by spanking her too hard. I immediately called the police to get her to the hospital. In my overwhelming shock and grief, I waived my Miranda Rights by telling the police absolutely everything. I did it at least three times without a lawyer, crying nonstop and uncontrollably over what had happened to her.
If we had been part of a community, we would have been given more wisdom, but we had passively renounced the Church by this time.
This community insufficiency also compounded our troubles with the legal system, and the system treated me unfairly on paper, even while in person I was given plenty of grace.
By the end of 2021, I went from completely crime-free to convicted felon. While everything went back to life as normal by January 2022 (including the DHS closing our case without any incident), my legal reputation destroyed my ability to easily work in any field I wanted, irrespective of my aptitude or attitude. This sent me into a depressive spiral after about 6 months of unemployment, though I was now a much better parent in every conceivable meaning of the concept.
But, God was gracious, and Tori had found an insurance agent role through some random anti-vaccine social network connection. I had to fight a civil case against the Iowa Insurance Division’s producer licensing system to get a probationary insurance producer license.
Nothing eventful happened for a while, and I lived in protracted shame over my damaged state, even while I was released early from probation in April 2023. However, God wasn’t done with my destruction.
A few months after I was off probation, Tori had been watching plenty of content and started over-identifying with her childhood PTSD, most notably with the Crappy Childhood Fairy. While I supported it, I noticed more victimization on her end. Our home started deteriorating, chores weren’t getting done, and things marched onward.
Somewhere around that same time in late 2023, we made the decision to move to Texas to spend more time with my father around November 2024. The idea was that we’d be able to find some sort of community there, since we only had an intermittent connection with a Baptist church plant in the area.
Unfortunately, this wouldn’t happen. Our marital conflicts were becoming more toxic, and I asked God to give her true spiritual peace on September 1, 2024.
He didn’t wait long to act. Twice in September 2024, I lost my temper farther than I vowed to ever permit myself to go, and hit Tori. She called the police on September 8, and I was sent to jail overnight. This created a cascade of events:
- Within a day or two, she completely disappeared with both of our children, abandoning the entire apartment including the cat. I only knew from an email sent to me by the pastor of the church we had barely attended.
- That same church implied to me that they’d call the police if I went to their campus, and they clearly assisted Tori in disappearing. They refused to even talk with me.
- There was an order of protection against her and our apartment, so I couldn’t go back to our apartment. I had to take time off work to buy a car, and I lived out of it for a while.
- God directly guided me to a church who assisted in many things, including clearing out the apartment and, later, giving me a place to live.
- Nobody in the government knew where she was (DHS, lawyers, etc.), and by November I was given a deferred judgment (meaning it would cease to exist if I was on my best behavior during probation) and the order of protection was extended for longer (October 2029 if she didn’t do anything).
- I waited for a response from her or someone affiliated with her, and wintered out of the RV we had planned to move to Texas in.
- In February 2025, a legal butterfly effect stripped me of my insurance license, which meant I couldn’t keep working at the small insurance firm I was at anymore.
- For financial reasons, I had to live out of my car by June.
- I ended up getting a job at the worst convenience store in the Midwest a few months later.
- Over a year has transpired without me seeing Tori, Victor, or Mia.
And, this is the most current my story goes to, as of mid-October.
I have no idea what drives Tori’s actions, but I have accepted that God has permitted this particular series of events to destroy her delusions of self-sufficiency alongside mine. Unless she has been in legitimate trouble, she has acted against the interests of keeping our marriage together or in a way that considers my wellbeing whatsoever.
This was the destruction of many idols, and I know it was for her as well. I idolized her, and she idolized me, creating a codependent bond. God is jealous of other gods, and that’s because every other god will slowly destroy us.
And, in His destruction of Tori’s and my household idols, I have been rendered powerless, inert, and unable to act. In that void, I’ve given up any hope that my decisions will come to any good, and trust my current attending portion of the Church to tell me what to do.
As for what will happen, only time will tell, and in that I am responsible to be patient for His plans. I don’t know how to trust Tori anymore, but I do trust He will work it out for His glory and my good.
If God is faithful, and His promises are accurate, this isn’t the end, and this page will be updated with a much more pleasant ending.