Keep the previous Stoic background in mind for the following broken story.
I mentioned previously that I didn’t have a healthy model for parenting or marriage. Tori had the same issue. We also hadn’t found a community to give us any feedback:
- I had consumed many, many articles on parenting. However, most free internet content doesn’t clearly indicate how to discipline children. Many of them provide conflicting or inaccurate messages about what works.
- Tori and I were deathly afraid of the government. I hated the bureaucratic micromanagement that could come from the experience. Tori had heard anecdotes where a rumor could lead the State to abduct a child from their biological parents.
- We were California-born, and felt unsafe to even talk with mandatory reporter friends (e.g., nurses, schoolteachers, police, etc.). We maintained the precedent when we moved to Iowa.
These conditions meant I couldn’t have known a few critical details on how to raise children. One class of Love and Logic or a derivative would have been sufficient.
Round 1
In May 2021, in the course of discipline, I hurt my daughter by spanking her too hard. I immediately called the police to get her to the hospital. In my overwhelming shock and grief, I waived my Miranda Rights by telling the police absolutely everything. I did it at least three times without a lawyer, crying nonstop and uncontrollably over what had happened to her.
If we had been part of a church, other members would have given us the parenting wisdom we hadn’t had. However, I had passively renounced the Church by this time and Tori barely attended.
This community insufficiency also compounded our troubles with the legal system. The court system treated me unfairly on paper, while in-person people gave me plenty of grace and favor.
By the end of 2021, I went from completely crime-free to convicted felon. Everything went back to life as normal by January 2022, including the DHS closing our case without any incident. However, that legal mark damaged my career reputation, and I didn’t have any support system to recover from it. After about 6 months of unemployment, I went into a depressive spiral. I was a far better parent in every conceivable meaning of the concept, but couldn’t shake the shame.
Intermission
God was gracious, however. Tori was part of an anti-vaccine Facebook group, and a connection in it led me to an insurance agent role. I fought a civil case against the Iowa Insurance Division’s producer licensing system to get a probationary insurance producer license.
Nothing eventful happened for a while, and I lived in protracted shame over my damaged state. In April 2023, I cleared probation early without incident, but hadn’t emotionally recovered. However, God hadn’t finished destroying our pride.
A few months after I was off probation, Tori started over-identifying with her C-PTSD, especially through Crappy Childhood Fairy videos. I supported her development, but noticed more victimization on her end. Our home started deteriorating, nobody was doing chores, but we marched onward.
Somewhere around that same time in late 2023, we planned to move to Texas near my father. This would allow Victor and Mia to spend time with the one grandparent we still respected. We expected to leave around November 2024. We only had a casual connection with a Baptist church plant, and hoped to find a better community there.
Unfortunately, this wouldn’t happen. Our marital conflicts were becoming more toxic, and Tori was already considering ways to leave me by early 2024. I asked God to give her true spiritual peace on September 1, 2024. God didn’t wait long to act.
Round 2
Twice in September 2024, our arguments became new levels of toxic. I lost my temper farther than I vowed to ever permit myself to go, and I struck her.
On September 8th, the second time it happened, she called the police. I spent that night in a jail cell. This created a cascade of events:
- The very next day, I was free again. The courts placed a no contact order (i.e., a restraining order) on me against Tori. I spent the next few months scrambling to get another vehicle and living situation.
- Within a day or two, she abandoned the entire apartment, cat included, and completely disappeared with both Victor and Mia. I only knew because the pastor of our attending church emailed me. That email also implied they’d call the police if I went to their campus.
- That church clearly assisted Tori in disappearing, but refused to even talk with me.
- The no contact order extended to our, so I couldn’t go back to our apartment.
- God directly guided me to a church who later assisted in clearing out the apartment.
- Nobody in the government knew where she was (DHS, lawyers, etc.). The court gave me a deferred judgment that November, which would expunge the record by October 2025. But, without Tori interacting with officials, the no contact order extended five years from that date (October 2029).
- I wintered out of the RV we had planned to move to Texas in, waiting for her. Later, I tried everything I could legally do to see Victor and Mia (since I still have my parental rights).
- In February 2025, a legal butterfly effect stripped me of my insurance license. I couldn’t keep working at the small insurance firm I was at anymore.
- For financial reasons, I had to live out of my car by June.
- To survive, I worked a job at the worst convenience store in the Midwest for six months.
The aftermath
Over a year has transpired without me seeing Tori, Victor, or Mia or knowing where they are.
This is the most current my story goes to, as of December 2025.
I have no idea what drives Tori’s actions.
- She has had over a year to reconcile or address our relationship.
- She has taken over a year of Victor and Mia’s childhood I will never get back.
- All I can deduce is that she has clearly acted against the interests of Victor, Mia, and our marriage.
- I know from extant documents that, as of September 2024, she had grandiose delusions about facts about our shared past.
This destroyed of many idols, and I know it has been for her as well.
- God has clearly permitted this particular series of events to destroy both our delusions of self-sufficiency.
- We had idolized each other, creating a codependent bond.
- God is jealous of other gods because every other god will slowly destroy us.
His destruction of both our household idols has rendered me powerless, inert, and unable to act. In that void, I trust God directly for my portion and plans.
As for what will happen, only time will tell. I wouldn’t know how to trust Tori, but I trust God’s plans. Irrespective of Tori’s decisions, He will work it out for His glory and our good.
If God is faithful, and His promises are accurate, this isn’t the end. I know I will be updating this page with a much more pleasant ending someday. Even if this is the last of my story before I die, I’ve found peace in my brokenness.