After I felt compelled toward some sort of large-scale ministry, God chose to confront my self-sufficient attitude and hidden Stoicism.
To make the most sense explaining the situation, though, I’ll break from chronology to articulate where my mind was.
Philosophy first
My failing was within a severe logical fallacy, which flowed through the following reasoning:
- All actions are from decisions.
- We make decisions through understanding and habits.
- Changing understanding and habits alters decisions and, therefore, changes results.
- All personal change is a product of behaviorism.
I had imparted this view to Tori as well, and we had both lived under this value system.
This, however, is tremendously wrong in a spiritual context:
- If we presume first principles in our own understanding, we then derive all information as extensions of that understanding.
God first
A philosophy-first value system is antagonistic to the worldview God has for us:
- God created the universe itself for the purpose of a relationship with humanity.
- This is still true even in our fallen state, and begins within the scope of divine revelation. It starts with praying and reading the Bible.
- God gives us the understanding we must have as we need it. It weaves into all our actions, consequences, and experiences to create true understanding.
- All personal change that is good comes through God’s direct intervention.
In the foolishness of prioritizing philosophy, I turned from God’s eternal power and divine nature. Instead, I pursued the Stoic Logos. The “Natural Law” would protect me if I complied with the rules of reality, and my performance determined my success.
Successful idolatry
The tragedy of the unique idolatry within Stoic philosophy is that it does yield a successful life:
- Most people considered “worldly”, even among Christian culture, engage in impulsive and baser things (e.g., crack cocaine).
- People in most middle/upper-class circles often praise sacrificing for a greater good, such as parenting or future financial wellness.
- Stoicism, like most asceticism, is foreign to our comfortable modern lifestyles. Its novelty creates a certain “coolness factor“, mixed with plenty of misinformation about what the philosophy actually entails.
I never bothered with Christian joy. I never stopped thinking about death, and prioritized the misery in building over satisfaction with what God gave me. Happiness was a risk to me, and I was therefore working endlessly into vanity, toiling without reaping.
Anti-God Stoics
Stoic philosophy is the natural state of the self-sufficient man, and is completely antagonistic to God’s command:
- The intellectual asceticism of Stoicism is part of the warnings at the end of Colossians 2. It has no value against the flesh’s tendency to indulge.
- Further, it is the beginnings of the Ur-Overmen of Nietzsche’s assertions. I was part of the legacy of relabeled masochists who would find direct joy in their suffering.
The self-inflicted idolatry of one’s self-sufficiency won’t create desirable results as God softens one’s heart to pain. Any of the soul’s joy or well-being will transform instead into a root of bitterness when Stoicism merges with Christianity.
In this mindset, God is not a friend, but instead an overseer we must obey. The only thing that exists is the despairing march. The only hope is a promise for reward someday if they suffer in the name of Christ. They don’t see that they suffer for their own glory instead. They’ll quietly suffer, but receive the same spiritual reward as if they were publicly advertising it.
Logical belief
I chose to follow God logically in 2006, but never became devoted to following Him. He was simply the most accurate of all the truths, and I had no loyalty or commitment to it. If some other religion had somehow been truer, I’d have renounced the God of the Bible and followed that instead.
Underneath it all, though, this meant I still relied on my own understanding to build into what I knew. I gave God my allegiance and devotion, but it was in service of The Truth. I made the created thing more important than the Creator.
In the mix of this, I had made a full idolatry of good things:
- Marriage, specifically in the person of Tori.
- Family, with both of my children.
- Career, oriented to whatever was most advantageous or meaningful.
I now know Tori was full-on in the same idolatry as me.
Once our isolationist attitude had reached maturity, God sent two major trials to lay our insufficiency naked to the world.